I'm off to Dublin!

For some time now I've been preparing for a massive shift in my life. Let me tell you a little about it...

iPriest

Back in 2011, as I was nearing the end of my time in Glenavy, I received a message from a friend asking that I get in touch with the Bishop, as he wanted to meet up with me. Having crossed paths with the Bishop through diocesan youth work programmes, I assumed that he just wanted to have a final meeting, to say thanks and wish me all the best for whatever came next. Very non-threatening and actually quite a nice thought. So I set up the meeting, and a few weeks later, in the middle of the summer 2011, made my way to Church House to meet the Bishop. As soon as I walked in, without much preamble, the Bishop hit me with the suggestion (which felt more like a command); 'I want you to go down to Dublin and train for ordination'! I protested...he understood. I said I couldn't...he said I should. I knew that before I'd even get to Dublin, I'd have to do a foundation course (via distance learning), so I reckoned lots could happen and that saying yes now was just a theoretical thing. I could always chicken out later down the line!

So a long story short; I did the foundation course, which was a year and a half of distance learning. In between I changed jobs, due to not having enough time to do my studies. That in itself was perhaps a sign I was taking this a lot more seriously than I had planned for. Then in March 2013, I was sent forward to Selection Conference (a series of interviews over the course of two days by various clergy and lay people aimed at assessing candidates suitability for ordination training). I found out a few weeks later (the Bishop phoned me on my birthday) that I had been accepted. Now things were getting real! I'd always counted on not being accepted at Selection Conference as my 'get out of jail free' card!

The truth is, I've never felt comfortable with the idea of being a minister. From a young age my Granny had me brainwashed...sorry, convinced, that I'd be a minister (Presbyterian of course-oh how far I've fallen!). I've grown up with that and I've spent eight years now working for the church, working alongside clergy, seeing some of their struggles. The truth is, it doesn't seem like a nice job at times. All those funerals, vestry meetings, people demanding your time, and getting annoyed when you physically and mentally can only give so much. I've always taken comfort in the fact that as a youth worker I'm just doing a job! But ministers...it's a vocation...a calling! And it's not one you'd do for the money, or for the time it gives you with your friends and family, or because it's easy. It's not! 

I've also had concerns with not wanting to be a minister, because it does involve an incredible amount of power. And I'm always naturally wary of power and those who wield it. It's not because power is necessarily a bad thing, but I just don't know if I trust myself with that level of power. Being a youth worker, you're often pretty low down the power structures of the church. Of course, you have immense responsibility with the young people, but mercifully parents, teachers and other members of the church also play a role in their development, so even if you mess it up as a youth worker, there are plenty of safety nets around them. However, what convinced me that this was the course of action I wanted to pursue was something my Bishop said to me about who holds the decision making power in the church. I think I'm a fairly intelligent person, and every once in a while I have a good idea. And sometimes, being a youth worker means that these ideas never get beyond the ideas stage. Fundamentally, I believe I have something to offer the church, and this journey I'm on toward ordination seems like the best way I can give it at this stage in my life.

It has been a long journey! I deferred for a year, mainly because I loved the church I was working in. And it absolutely tears at my heart to be leaving. And it's a strange feeling; to be leaving a place and feeling such gut wrenching sadness at that, but to feel the absolute rightness of that decision. It is indeed time!

This September, I'll be packing my bags and heading off to Dublin. To live and study among a community of others on a similar journey. I really don't know what the next season holds for me. The course I am on will last three years, I know that for sure. Dublin life will have many amazing things to offer. Living again in community will be intriguing, and exciting. I'll get to wear cool robes! Faith is an interesting thing; here I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses embarking on this journey. I don't feel ready in many ways...and yet in all the ways that count, I am ready!

I really do appreciate your prayers, best wishes, good thoughts. I'm going to try and update regularly, but if you look at the time stamps of even my last few posts, you'll know this blog and regular posts have not gone hand in hand! I do appreciate the encouragement though, and do keep encouraging me! There'll be many tough times ahead (late nights trying to finish off assignments loom ahead of me), and I'll need the constant encouragement. If you live nearby me, why not take me out for a coffee and ask me how it's going every now and again. And if you don't, send me a wee message. It all counts, and I do appreciate the best wishes of my friends (religious or not). This will be perhaps one of the biggest things I'll do with my life. And it's scary, but it is exciting, and it is right. 

Living Provocatively

I was challenged recently by a friend regarding the nature of my sometimes provocative statements. Specifically we were speaking about a recent blog titled 'Church and the Beast within'. The provocation in this blog lay in the link between Church and the spirit of anti-Christ, enshrined in the idea of the Beast of Revelation. As I was challenged, and I reflected back on what I was trying to say, a few thoughts came to mind.

Firstly I have to recognise that sometimes I do go out of my way to be provocative (no shock there)! Often my aim is to provoke people by some outrageous statement, which hopefully leads them into an exploration of why they were shocked, and to consider the points being made in the whole article. However, I realise that sometimes it's not the content that matters, but the headline! What do my headlines say to people? Are they provoked to exploration of the subject, or do they just get peeved off with the headline. I think if we are fair, we are probably all guilty of skimming the headline and not fully engaging with the text, so I feel there is a lesson in here for me.

Secondly, I have to ask myself is deliberate provocation a healthy thing. My modus operandi in posting provocative statements is to challenge people's perceptions. I think we have to acknowledge that each one of us has an unconscious bias toward certain things in our lives. As someone who is passionately exploring faith, I'm interested in what unconscious bias we may have when it comes to Jesus, faith and religion. I hope it's clear I don't have all the answers, and don't pretend to have my theology all neatly sorted. But I do have questions! And I do have an earnest and genuine desire to listen to and engage with others as we jointly explore what it means to be Christ followers in our context. I also like to challenge and be challenged!

So I'm left with the question of just how much is too much?! Does a provocative statement draw people deeper into the conversation, or does it turn them off? How much do I gain in being deliberately provocative, and just what do I lose? I recognise that for some, my deliberate provocativeness can be a barrier to what I'm saying. So in one sense I'm left contemplating how I absorb this and let it filter through my thoughts. On the other hand, there's a sense that I don't want to conform just to make people comfortable. Human history is littered with such stories, and by and large, it's not the conformists who make most impact on human history, but those who stood their ground and fought for what they truly believed in, even going out of their way to be non-conformist! Perhaps somewhere here there is a balance to be found? Lord help me to see it.

Some lives are worth more than others...

"Why is a Kundunese life worth less to me than an American life?"- Pres. Bartlett

"I don't know, Sir, but it is."- Will Bailey

[The West Wing, season 4 episode 13]

This quote, taken from one of the greatest television shows of our time, sums up in only the way someone like Aaron Sorkin could, just what is wrong with our society. Tonight, as I watched the news feeds, Facebook and Twitter, it was hard to escape that a terrible tragedy had taken place. What should have been a day of fun and celebration has tragically ended with death and injury.

My heart goes out to the people of Boston, it truly does. And some measure of faith in humanity was restored as I witnessed people running toward danger in an effort to help. However, something else dawned on me this evening-something as terrible as the scenes witnessed in Boston. And simply it's this; as a culture, we have become so self-absorbed that we often fail to see beyond our own needs, our own desires and our own tragedies. As news feeds were relaying minute by minute accounts of the scenes in Boston, very few were talking about horrors elsewhere. In Iraq today, another bomb killed dozens and injured hundreds. Not that I want to compare the scale of tragedies, but why was it that we were getting blow by blow accounts of events in Boston, but very little was said about Iraq? Why does it seem that our western tragedies eclipse the tragedy elsewhere? Why is an "American" (western) life worth more than an Iraqi life? Or Afghan? Or African?

What does it say about us as a society that we are outraged/shocked/upset when one of our own die, but hundreds could die elsewhere, and by sheer virtue of geography, we give little thought to it? The events in Boston today will have scarred a community and left families devastated at the loss and maiming of loved ones. My prayers are with them. But they won't be the only ones whose world will have been torn apart today. And they won't be the last! Tragedy surrounds us in this world. We must be careful we don't become complacent or ignorant to it, just because it often isn't on our doorsteps!

The Church between the Cross and the Empty Grave

It was a crisp Friday afternoon in November. The people of Dallas had turned out to see their leader, a popular hero to many. Flags were waving, people were smiling and there was a buzz in the air. At 12:29 pm, the leader’s limousine entered Dealey Plaza. Dozens of people were taking pictures or filming the entire procession. Turning down Houston Street, the entire procession passed in front of the book depository, and that’s when the shots rang out. There was confusion, the leader’s bodyguards rushed into action, and the limo sped off to the nearest hospital. By 1pm the leader was dead.

JFK=Legend!

Of course, we know the leader being referred to here was JFK. Many who were alive at the time will be able to tell where they were when they heard the news. Not only was JFK an inspiring politician, but he was a pop icon to many-perhaps one of the first politicians to transcend the sphere of politics into the public consciousness. Of course he had his flaws, but after his assassination JFK ascended even further in the minds of the public. He was a man who dreamed big (he once famously remarked that the USA would put a man on the moon by end of decade), and inspired a generation.

Many loved him, and even his rivals had to acknowledge his popularity to the masses. Imagine for a moment that on the Sunday 24^th November, news was broadcast saying that instead of lying in state, the body of JFK had gone missing. Imagine if you will, that over the next few weeks, sightings of JFK were reported by dozens of people, his family and closest advisors included. And imagine that only a few weeks later, this much loved politician was sighted, ascending into heaven. Of course, none of this happened, but what might these events have done to the popularity and legacy of JFK?

What Easter seems to be about these days!

Many will know the story of that first Easter. We know that Jesus was betrayed and arrested. That a sham trial was arranged by the Sanhedrin, who were out to get this political and religious firebrand named Jesus. We know that neither King Herod, nor Pilate the Governor could find reason to execute him. And yet we know that on the Friday of Easter, the religious leaders had their way and forced the execution of the innocent man Jesus. This story forms the bedrock of the Christian faith. However, for the Christian the story does not end at the assassination of Jesus. For unlike JFK, Jesus was more than a loved leader, he was God incarnate. And he wasn't just here on Earth to die for us; his mission was to defeat death and hell, and in resurrection, Jesus showed that the power of death had been overcome. On Easter Sunday, the church gathers to celebrate the Empty Grave, a symbol that Death, which was the wages of sin, had been overcome. To celebrate the fact that we follow a risen Lord.

And on that one day, I believe we remember something very important that we sometimes forget the rest of the year. That in the resurrection, Jesus work was complete. We remember that the story of the Cross is not complete until we see the Empty Grave

I think one of the things we sometimes miss in the modern church is the ability to get into the scenarios presented in the Bible and understand them from the very real, visceral perspective of the day! Let's use our imaginary TARDIS to go back to the day after the crucifixion. It was a Sabbath day, so after all the events in Jerusalem the day before, many in the city would have been winding down, spending the day in quiet reflection. We can only wonder how the onlookers might have felt about the crucifixion. Some may have felt anger, or guilt, or shame. Some may not even have cared-they may have seen Jesus as an entertaining teacher, who had some good ideas, but now he was dead and nothing could be done about it-much in the same way we would treat the death of a modern celebrity; from a distance, with a vague and curious interest. But what about the Disciples? Those men and women who had spent the last few years of their life with their Master. Many of them had left their former lives as fishermen, tax collectors and rebels to follow this charismatic Teacher. He had promised them much about the Kingdom to come, and how God would break through the barriers and live with man. And now, he was dead. 

Imagine the despair, the heartache, and even the guilt the Disciples must have felt. Imagine the soul searching, the feelings of worthlessness and constant questioning of all they had heard in the years following Jesus. I imagine at that precise moment any passion or enthusiasm for Jesus teachings might have left them, and they maybe felt more than a little let down by Jesus.

The Church between the Cross and the Empty Grave?

For the Disciples, that day between the crucifixion and the resurrection must have been one of the darkest days in their life. Everything they had believed upon becoming followers of Jesus must have seemed so false. The excitement they must have felt when Jesus told stories of the coming Kingdom must have seemed so pointless now. They probably had no will or desire to live out their lives as Disciples. For some, they may have been only days or hours away from giving up and going home to their old lives.  And I feel that in many ways, the Church exists in this same place. When we hear that Jesus died for us, and make that choice to follow him, it’s a pretty exciting place for us. We think of all the possibilities open to us, and our hearts swell with anticipation of the things God will do with us and for us and through us. And then we realise that life is difficult, that often the Devil will throw everything he can against us. Instead of thinking of all the things we could do, we give all the reasons for why it cannot be done. We lose heart...we lose focus...we lose the belief that God wants to use us and do great things. In short we lose sight of the Empty Grave!

No one is here...

The Empty Grave tells us that death is overcome. It shows us that impossible has now become possible with God. It shows us that instead of following a dead religion, we follow a risen Lord. When we lose sight of all that, church becomes a thing we do, not a thing we are. When we exist between the Cross and the Empty Grave, we have no passion or enthusiasm for the promises made to us. The 'Church between the Cross and the Empty Grave' is perhaps one of the most dangerous things to happen to the people of God. In such a place, we acknowledge the death of Jesus, but we lose sight of why it was for. Many people make reference to being saved, and it’s a term that makes me cringe. Yes, the actions of Christ on the Cross save us. But Jesus came to this earth and lived as one of us for more than a bus ticket to heaven. John 10 says that Jesus came to give us abundant life. Only through the lens of the Resurrection can we begin to glimpse what this life looks like. It is a life of service (one of the first things Jesus did after resurrection was cook a meal for his disciples); it is a life of passion and belief that God can do the impossible through us. Jesus didn't come to save us from hell, but to restore us to life, as God originally intended it!

In the Bible, God's people are constantly being reminded that they, through the works of God, can achieve great things. Perhaps one of my favorite examples of this in the Gospels is in Matthew 16. Jesus asks his Disciple's who people think he is. They throw a few stock answers at Him, no doubt intended to flatter and impress Jesus. He probes them further and really puts them on the spot, asking them to commit their own opinions. Peter, in a flash of inspiration that surely came from heaven declares that Jesus is the promised Messiah. Interesting moment, no doubt. But it is Jesus' response to Peter which is the most astounding; 

"Jesus came back, "God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn't get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I'm going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out." (Matt 16:17-18 The Message)

What He is saying is so revolutionary in it's implications and yet I think we have forgotten it, or at least don't want to believe it because it almost seems to good to be true. We are to be a Church so full of energy that even Hell itself won't be able to stand against us. Where is this Church, I hear you ask? I sometimes think this Church has lost itself somewhere between the Cross and the Empty Grave!

I think then there is a challenge here for us! Do we want to exist in that place where we acknowledge the Death of Jesus for us, but do not see the hope of the Resurrection and all that means and demands of us? How do we become a community that lives Church, and not just goes through the motions of a 90 minute event once a week? How do we become a people that believe God does the impossible, and he wants to use us to do it? And how do we live life to the full, sure in the knowledge that Jesus didn't just come to save us from hell, but came to give us life, and that he wants to give it to others too?! There is a whole world out there waiting to see this Church. May God give us the grace and strength to build it!

How good is your eyesight?

"Without Vision the People Perish"

The first time I read this simple statement (from Proverbs 29), it really stood out to me as such an important statement for the Church today. The Message translation says it even better;

"If people can’t see what God is doing,
they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
they are most blessed."

It leads me to ask just what we see God is doing around us. I think if I'm honest, I sometimes struggle to see just exactly what God is doing around me. Lets be honest, in life we get so busy, so caught up in drama, routine, work etc, that sometimes we lose focus on the important stuff. We've all been there. Furthermore, like many in my generation, I have a really awful cynical streak that runs right through my core. The 20s and 30s age group are so hard to impress. We are so hard to get motivated and excited. We've seen and heard it all before. Bright lights and loud noises won't fool us. You won't pull the wool over our eyes with your parlour tricks and emotive theatre. And in some way, I find myself really sad that I have this cynicism, for the long and short of it is that I often find myself doubting that God can really deliver. Sure, in the small ways he is there. I sometimes feel Him speaking to me through prayer and the bible. There are times when I even see Him moving in what we do in church (both discipleship and outreach). But I was reminded recently of how over the years I have lost some of my belief that God can move in BIG ways. I mean in the casting out demons, healing the sick, prophesying kinda ways. I mean the ways in which when you see Him move, goosebumps raise on your flesh. The ways in which your knees knock together because the power and presence of God is so palpable. I've allowed myself to become blind to what He is doing. And the result? Often I find myself stumbling about, barely achieving much!

God wants me to have perfect vision. He wants you to have perfect vision too. If you have, praise God! If you haven't, 'attend to what he reveals'! I've often heard people ask what our vision is. I've sat in many 'strategic' meetings where church leadership have asked this question. Repeatedly I find myself coming back to what Jesus said when questioned about the most important commandment (Matthew 22). When asked to sum up just what is important he made two simple statements; love God and love others. I have a real tendency to over complicate things in life! But here, even I cannot escape the simplicity of what Jesus is saying. He goes further...

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[e] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[f] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

See what he is saying?! Everything, the entire law and demands of the prophets, hang on these two simple commands. All your religion, all your planning, all your passion, all your vision. EVERYTHING! In all that we do, we must be able to measure up to those simple commands. Does your worship show love to God? In your financial plans (both individually and corporately), do you recognise and respect others? In your service to church (volunteering at youth club, sitting on a committee, serving the tea and coffee) are you loving God and loving others? I think that if we are honest, sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes we get so caught up in routine, or doing things just to be noticed, or because we feel obligated to, that we sometimes forget our simple task is to love God and love others. Of course, how this manifests itself in your context could be radically different from how it manifests in mine. However the challenge is as simple as it is vast. Our vision, if it is to align with God's, is simply to love. In a world where love is in such short supply, it is so important that Church recognises this!

So maybe the question shouldn't be 'how good is your eyesight'? Maybe the question has to be 'how good are you at simply loving God and people'? Please Lord, give us the strength and the capacity to love and in doing so may we see the people and communities around us changed by simple, radical, courageous acts of love.

Church and the Beast within

The Beast is not a Legend

Could the modern day Church be the Beast itself?
-A friend

I'll warn you at outset that there is a ranty kinda flavour to this blog. As always, I invite people to offer their input, and I know I don't speak from any real place of authority. I'm just a guy with some questions and very few answers.

Over the last few months, there has been a growing frustration within me at the state of the Church. When I look at the Church (and I appreciate there is some generalization here) I see an organisation that has failed to grasp the core concepts of it's founder. We might ask what the fundamentals might be (and again I appreciate there may be some diversity of opinion here). However, at it's core I think we can make a few simple statements about what the Church should be, what it should be saying, and where it should be going.

I am sure we can agree on a number of common denominators. First and foremost in my mind are the words of Jesus in Matthew 22. When asked what the greatest commandment was, he responded that to love God is the first and greatest, but the second was also to love others. All the law and prophets (namely all our religion/faith) hang on these two points (I did paraphrase the passage, but feel free to look it up for yourself). I use Jesus’ parable about the Good Samaritan to also back up this point. When asked who our neighbour was, Jesus told this story, which I am sure we are all familiar with and doesn’t need repeating (but you can find it in Luke 10). What am I saying then; basically in order to reflect Christ, we must love the Father, and also love other people. I also use John 15:13 to take this further-that loving other people is about laying down one’s life for others. I think we can add grace and compassion into the mix, as well as the understanding (taken from James 2) that whilst good works won’t save us, our faith will naturally work itself out in ways where we show kindness and love in what we do to those around us. We may even want to label this as evangelism; however this makes me uncomfortable, as it implies we may only do good works in order to get people to join us. I would rather prefer a way that is entirely unconditional, and requires no response from people if they chose not to.

All seems pretty simple (and feel free to add suggestions if you feel there are glaring omissions). What then is so difficult about all this? Why does it seem so difficult to love God and other people. Where, I ask, was the love for other people over the whole Chick-Fil-A debacle. Even closer to home, in what way do we show love as a Church to those who are homosexual? Setting aside for a moment the discussion about the rights and wrongs around homosexuality, the one thought that pounds through my mind is that we are all sinful? What do we get out of judging and condemning others, and how does that ever show them God's love. If all God's people are good at is condemnation and hurt, then it does not present a great picture of God.

Another issue that needs addressing is the addiction to materialism that seems to permeate the West. I am as guilty of this as anyone else, and this is said as much to me as anyone else! For many people, their theology dictates that in the end times, the Beast shall rise and control the Earth. The Beast will be a personification of evil (anti-Christ?) and will persecute all us 'good guys'. It is said that economics will become difficult for those who refuse to take on the Number of the Beast. And yet I am left wondering if the Beast will be some external force waiting for us in the mists of time? I wonder if by our actions we are not acting like (or at least enabling) that Spirit of Anti-Christ? Why do we find it so easy to buy endless amounts of shit that provide no lasting happiness. How can we so easily throw away things, without thought of where it goes? Why do we allow ourselves to get fat and lazy on the efforts of others far removed from us, when there are people in the world literally struggling for their lives every day, from the moment they wake, until the moment they go to sleep. This was so forcefully rammed home to me the other day when I was watching Gordon Ramsey's 'Hell's Kitchen USA'. One of the challenges the chefs had to perform was an eating contest and they were pitted against Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, who was a competitive eater. Doing some minor research into this, because I was incredulous (especially at how quick and how much he could eat, and he wasn't even fat!), it turns out there is 'Major League Eating'. They have managed to make a sport out of eating hot dogs and chicken wings, and people get paid to do this stuff. I nearly cried! Now I have had my own problems with eating (namely that I like to eat, and boy does it stay on) but it broke my heart that in one part of the world we make entertainment out of people who can eat lots quickly, and yet in other parts of the world people are literally starving to death! Where is the Church in all this? What are we saying or doing to stand against the evil and darkness of the world...sometimes it seems like nothing!

We are so addicted to mind (and body) numbing tripe, that we have become desensitized to the needs and injustices in the world around us. In many ways, the Church IS Anti-Christ. We have set ourselves opposed to those foundational (and simple) teachings of Christ, that we are literally the opposite of Jesus. Jesus said 'Love God', and we are so in love with ourselves we see little of God around us. He extolled us to 'Love Others', and yet we get so caught up in excess that we forget that someone somewhere has to pay the price. We get so caught up in telling people what they are doing wrong, that we don't realise WE are the ones who are getting it wrong by our lack of love towards others. We have taken to setting up celebrities as our idols, just like the Israelites when Moses was receiving the Ten Commandments. Even in the Church we have created the cult of Christian celebrity, following this speaker or that band as if every word or song was the sum totality of what it meant to follow Christ. And in all is this is the quiet voice of Christ enjoining us to 'follow'. I wonder if we will ever get over the sense of our own importance that we might hear him? I wonder if we could ever forget about condemning others, that we might realise we are all broken and need to draw near?!

At the beginning, I quoted a friend of mine. He is nobody important, and yet he is special and important to God and totally valued by me, perhaps the best kind of person to quote! But he said something to me that was very profound, and I think he is right. Until we actually get back to being Followers of Christ, I think that in the world, the Church will act as the Beast! I think that until we can get over our addiction to things (and to idols), then the Church will be diametrically opposed to Christ. Unless we learn to 'live simply so that others might simply live', then we will be like a plague on the Earth. It would be easy for us to say that it's not our fault, that we didn't start capitalism, or the Major League Eating competition. It would be easy to say that we can change little. However, in the words of Edmund Burke;

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing

We cannot, must not, excuse ourselves from the tragedies of this world by saying it's nothing to do with us. If we are to be like Christ, then we must act like Christ, in all that we do. It is a challenge, but it is what the Church is called to. If we do not, then we are allowing the Kingdom of Darkness to reign free and unchallenged. We are like the people who crossed to the other side of the road, and not like the 'Good Samaritan' Christ calls us to be. In short, we are the Beast! Our challenge then is to find those places in which we can radically, humbly and powerfully live out the teachings of Christ, loving God and doing something the Church has not been entirely good at over her long life-Loving Others!

The Disgusting Practice of Nepotism...in the Church!

nepotism [ˈnɛpəˌtɪzəm]
n
favouritism shown to relatives or close friends by those with power or influence

I recently started work for the South Eastern Education Board, and about a month in, I am finding it to be a great challenge. So different from Church youth work, and I can really feel myself being stretched and new skill sets being acquired on an almost daily basis (mostly paperwork I might add!). Before all this though, I had found myself to be in a very interesting, often difficult place. I would be bold to even say, I might have been wandering in the desert for a while!

In December 2010, a decision was taken which meant that upon completing my contract in Glenavy, I would be moving on. I have to add at this point, that this was absolutely the correct decision, and one I am glad for. I immensely enjoyed my time at Glenavy (5 years, 4 months), and really built up some firm friendships and learnt a lot about myself, who I am and what I want to be when I grow up! I am thankful that I still have links with that church, and actually enjoy just being a 'parishioner', not the youth WORKER! However, in December, this decision meant that I needed to get into gear and find myself a new job; a daunting enough prospect given the current economics of our land!

So, over Christmas I dutifully searched the usual places, and found quite a few I could apply for. The one thing that hit me initially was the thought that this time round I was actually pretty well placed-after all I had nearly 6 years full time youth work experience behind me, as well as several new qualifications in the youth work field. I got a few responses in those early months, and each one were happy to invite me for interview. I was pleased with this, as I knew that interview stage was half the battle, and being reasonably confident in myself and my abilities, I knew I would give a good accounting of myself!

First interview in, and it went well. I got asked back for another interview, and whilst I was not successful (no-one was on this occasion) my confidence had been boosted; this was, after all, only the first job I had applied for!

Second interview didn't go so well, but I had applied for this job not really looking to get it, but wanting the experience of more interviews. No need to say it, but I was not successful, but also not too bothered.

Third interview in, and this was a good job. This was perhaps the first interview I went into really interested in getting the job and thinking I could do lots here. I did an excellent interview in my opinion, as well as a near perfect presentation. I left feeling confident, but knowing that as with any job, you didn't know who else you were up against. However I felt I could not have done any better and surely I must have given the panel something to think about...I waited with anticipation for the letter to come back to me. When it did, it thanked me for my time, but that they would not be taking things any further with me. I was disappointed at this stage (which was about four months into the process of me looking for jobs), but I had faith that God would lead me to where I needed to go. I subsequently heard that this post wasn't filled at all, due to funding issues, but by the time I had heard this, it was too late.

I took a break for easter, and then got into full swing. I applied for several jobs at once. Whilst I had been disappointed with the outcome of my last interview, I knew I just had to keep plugging away. And then, perhaps the hardest couple months of my life started! Application after application was returned. They all said the same thing (as if churches had a stock letter for this situation); 'Thanks for your interest in this post. Unfortunately you have not been selected for interview. We wish you God's best in your future endeavors'! By the third letter I was getting frustrated. By no means am I an arrogant fella. However with my experience and qualifications I felt I should have at least been given an interview for most jobs I applied for. In fact, each one which refused me an interview, it would be fair to say I was overqualified for. This meant either there were people applying who were outrageously more qualified than me, or something more sinister!

Church youth work is a relatively small world. You get to hear things down the grapevine, and over time I heard things that really began to upset me. As I was plugging away looking for jobs, and continuing my post in Glenavy, the clock counting down to my departure date, I began to have inklings, suspicions and information passed my way. In essence, they all said the same thing; these jobs already had someone in mind. At first, I couldn't believe it. I mean, this seems too sneaky, doesn't it. It's something a business might do; write up a job for a specific person who you already have in mind (perhaps they already work in the company). No way a church would do this! If they advertise a post, surely they are going to do it fairly, and seek to get the best person for the post, not a favored candidate (who admittedly might be the best person also)! But my experience did not add up here. I was a reasonably well qualified youth worker (over qualified if going by the criteria many of these jobs had set), with 6 years experience of youth work, and a degree in theology. And yet I wasn't even getting an interview?

It was this period I found hardest. Not even getting interviews took it's toll on me. I started to get down, and was frustrated. At one point, my girlfriend tried to console me and suggested that knowing God, He would give me a job the day before I was due to finish my current post. At the time, it didn't take away the obvious sense of frustration I was feeling. I began to get angry at the church too. I felt that if there was one place on earth a person should get a fair deal, then surely it was the church. However, in my experience, the opposite was true-some churches were advertising jobs, getting people's hopes up, when in reality they already had someone in mind. There were just going through the motions to satisfy legal concerns. After about the third knockback (which got me really angry and actually resulted in me writing a letter to the church), I 'threw the head up' and decided to go outside the church. I applied for a job with the education board, got an interview, and within a week was offered a job. This only served to underline just how awful the church process was. It took me months looking for a job in the church, with many knockbacks, but go 'out there', and I was offered one immediately. It would be hilarious if it did not underline the seriousness of the issue!

Luckily for me, I did get a job...and it was offered to me the day before my contract with Glenavy expired (my girlfriend was right, as she always is!). However, I constantly hear about churches who offer jobs to family members of important members of the church, or people who have been serving in some role within the church for some time. Now, there is most definitely an argument to be made here that if people have been performing some of the roles of youth worker, and have built up a relationship with the young people in the church, then maybe they should get the job, for continuities sake. And whilst I would put some merit in this, is it enough to employ someone based on just the fact they are a member of your church, or have established a relationship. What about the dozens of other applicants who have worked for years in other areas, who are qualified and who can perhaps bring new ideas and new initiatives to the mix?! It only really takes about six months for any new youth worker to find their feet, so bringing in a new person does not mean the end of the world from a youth work context.

Church needs to be careful what message it sends to the outside world. Employing the daughter of this committee member, or the husband of someone influential in the church says that it's about 'who you know' in the church world, not how good you are for the post, whether this person is qualified or not. When it's seen as a common practice, that's when it is truly dangerous. In my experience, I have seen numerous job descriptions that seem to have been written up with a specific person in mind; obviously so they, over everyone else, can meet all the criteria, and legally be 'the best person' for the job. I think this practice means that churches miss out on some truly great youth workers. It means that young people may miss out on new opportunities as they are left with someone they know who may just continue on with the old way of doing things. And it means that honest to goodness brilliant youth workers are left unemployed because they aren't lucky enough to be 'known' by the church looking to employ.

As I look back at that time, it was difficult. I did find myself becoming very angry and frustrated with church. After being employed by a statutory agency, it saddened me that I didn't get as fair a deal in 'mother church', that I had to go outside the church to be valued based on my experience and skills, and not just on who I was (or who I was related to). It would be easy to look at this blog and call it a rant, but I can honestly say it isn't. I truly see the hand of God on the last few months as he guided me into the post I am in now (which I am over the moon to be in, despite, or maybe because of, it's challenges). Indeed, there have been other opportunities that have come about that would probably have never came to my door if I were still in church youth work. However, whilst I am happy on a personal level, I still find myself getting angry at the perception the church gives out to the world. Indeed, it isn't just restricted to offers of employment. Countless times I have heard the same story from people of how they were left out in the cold because they weren't part of the 'in gang'. How sad that church, the one place where all should be accepted and where all should get a fair deal, is the one place where many feel the opposite. As hard as it was for me when it came to NOT getting a job, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be for those who are just looking to be accepted, to be involved, but who find the door closed because they aren't 'one of us'.

The challenge to the church is very clear, and not just in matters of employment. We must resist the easy temptation of choosing those we know or like, and be willing to meet new people, involving ourselves in their lives, take risks with the unknown, and not let our decision making (on all levels) be about who you know. There are gifted, talented individuals out there (in your church maybe), who could bring a whole new dimension to the work of your church...if you gave them a chance. Let church be the one place on earth where everyone get's a fair deal, and where you are cherished not on who you know, but who you are and the sum-total of who you could be with the gifts God has given.