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| iPriest |
Back in 2011, as I was nearing the end of my time in Glenavy, I received a message from a friend asking that I get in touch with the Bishop, as he wanted to meet up with me. Having crossed paths with the Bishop through diocesan youth work programmes, I assumed that he just wanted to have a final meeting, to say thanks and wish me all the best for whatever came next. Very non-threatening and actually quite a nice thought. So I set up the meeting, and a few weeks later, in the middle of the summer 2011, made my way to Church House to meet the Bishop. As soon as I walked in, without much preamble, the Bishop hit me with the suggestion (which felt more like a command); 'I want you to go down to Dublin and train for ordination'! I protested...he understood. I said I couldn't...he said I should. I knew that before I'd even get to Dublin, I'd have to do a foundation course (via distance learning), so I reckoned lots could happen and that saying yes now was just a theoretical thing. I could always chicken out later down the line!
So a long story short; I did the foundation course, which was a year and a half of distance learning. In between I changed jobs, due to not having enough time to do my studies. That in itself was perhaps a sign I was taking this a lot more seriously than I had planned for. Then in March 2013, I was sent forward to Selection Conference (a series of interviews over the course of two days by various clergy and lay people aimed at assessing candidates suitability for ordination training). I found out a few weeks later (the Bishop phoned me on my birthday) that I had been accepted. Now things were getting real! I'd always counted on not being accepted at Selection Conference as my 'get out of jail free' card!
The truth is, I've never felt comfortable with the idea of being a minister. From a young age my Granny had me brainwashed...sorry, convinced, that I'd be a minister (Presbyterian of course-oh how far I've fallen!). I've grown up with that and I've spent eight years now working for the church, working alongside clergy, seeing some of their struggles. The truth is, it doesn't seem like a nice job at times. All those funerals, vestry meetings, people demanding your time, and getting annoyed when you physically and mentally can only give so much. I've always taken comfort in the fact that as a youth worker I'm just doing a job! But ministers...it's a vocation...a calling! And it's not one you'd do for the money, or for the time it gives you with your friends and family, or because it's easy. It's not!
I've also had concerns with not wanting to be a minister, because it does involve an incredible amount of power. And I'm always naturally wary of power and those who wield it. It's not because power is necessarily a bad thing, but I just don't know if I trust myself with that level of power. Being a youth worker, you're often pretty low down the power structures of the church. Of course, you have immense responsibility with the young people, but mercifully parents, teachers and other members of the church also play a role in their development, so even if you mess it up as a youth worker, there are plenty of safety nets around them. However, what convinced me that this was the course of action I wanted to pursue was something my Bishop said to me about who holds the decision making power in the church. I think I'm a fairly intelligent person, and every once in a while I have a good idea. And sometimes, being a youth worker means that these ideas never get beyond the ideas stage. Fundamentally, I believe I have something to offer the church, and this journey I'm on toward ordination seems like the best way I can give it at this stage in my life.
It has been a long journey! I deferred for a year, mainly because I loved the church I was working in. And it absolutely tears at my heart to be leaving. And it's a strange feeling; to be leaving a place and feeling such gut wrenching sadness at that, but to feel the absolute rightness of that decision. It is indeed time!
This September, I'll be packing my bags and heading off to Dublin. To live and study among a community of others on a similar journey. I really don't know what the next season holds for me. The course I am on will last three years, I know that for sure. Dublin life will have many amazing things to offer. Living again in community will be intriguing, and exciting. I'll get to wear cool robes! Faith is an interesting thing; here I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses embarking on this journey. I don't feel ready in many ways...and yet in all the ways that count, I am ready!
I really do appreciate your prayers, best wishes, good thoughts. I'm going to try and update regularly, but if you look at the time stamps of even my last few posts, you'll know this blog and regular posts have not gone hand in hand! I do appreciate the encouragement though, and do keep encouraging me! There'll be many tough times ahead (late nights trying to finish off assignments loom ahead of me), and I'll need the constant encouragement. If you live nearby me, why not take me out for a coffee and ask me how it's going every now and again. And if you don't, send me a wee message. It all counts, and I do appreciate the best wishes of my friends (religious or not). This will be perhaps one of the biggest things I'll do with my life. And it's scary, but it is exciting, and it is right.
